Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum059

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 132KB

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Date:         Tue, 8 Mar 1994 06:31:03 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00059"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 12:47:56 -0500
Reply-To:     "D. E. Gulledge" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "D. E. Gulledge" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR English professor

Apologies to list.  the line should have read, "doesn't know enough to
earn an F"  I should learn to proof a little better
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 10:45:17 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.I     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Oct 88

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
                -- Ashleigh Brilliant

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
                -- Jane Wagner

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to
enjoy it.

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
                -- Jim Fiebig

Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
                -- Aesop

Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original
dimensions. -- Oliver Wendall Holmes

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
                -- Edgar R. Fiedler

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.
                -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.

Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.

A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a
fool can from a mountain top.

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

Baruch's Observation:
        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Before I got married I had six theories
about bringing up children; now I have
six children and no theories.
                        Lord Rochester

Be self-reliant and your success is assured.

     Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
     It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.
     It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
                -- The Realist, November, 1964.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 13:57:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      a clean limerick (no, you haven't heard it -- it's new)

A friend just called me a few minutes ago, pleased with a new limerick she
made up -- one of the best and cleverest  clean ones I've ever heard:

An abbot whose habit was funk
Soon realized his trumpet was junk
   Since he *was* quite a looter
   He stole a new hooter
And became the Felonious Monk.
         --- Vira McGeorge
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 11:11:51 PST
Reply-To:     "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      On the Trailing Edge of Information Technology

Seen on a button:

 Yesterday's Technology
Solving Today's Problems
     Tomorrow


Regards,                                       The "OTHER" Washington
                                           ____________________________
Michael J. Irvin                           \   /\/\             /\  /\|
Computer Services Consultant    P   ______  |  /\/\               /\  |
Information Technology          aO \      / \   /\          Spokane + |
Washington State University     cc \  /\ \   |+Seattle                |
Pullman, WA 99164-1222          ie  |  /\ \ /    /\                   |
U.S.A.                          fa   \     |     /\                   |
                                in   |          /\      Pullman/WSU->*|
Telephone: [phone]         c     \        /\          ____________\
BITNet:   IRVINMJ@WSUVM1               ----\   /\    _____/
Internet: [e-mail]        \-------/
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 14:19:02 EST
Reply-To:     Cindy Bannister <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Cindy Bannister <[e-mail]>
Subject:      TRUE LIFE FUNNY THING

Following is a story of a real true life funny thing that happened to me
yesterday morning. I wish we had a camcorder for it because it was
something that you would see in a "I LOVE LUCY" show!!! (For those of you
not from the USA, Lucille Ball was a famous commedian & had a television
show where she was constantly performing slapstick comedy routines that
were hilarious!)

It was 5:30 am (Eastern Standard Time) & I was sitting at my vanity
dresser mirror on a cushioned bench blowdrying my hair. My husband, Rick,
was in the kitchen fixing a bowl of cereal for breakfast. All of a sudden
my blowdryer started making a loud noise like a machine gun!!! So I used
all my expertise & knowledge of mechanical appliances & I started banging
it on the dresser...in my mind this would make it stop! Well, this did
make the machine gun noise go away but now I have sparks shooting out from
the hairdryer!!! I'm serious! Red & orange sparks are shooting out the end
of my hairdryer! Well, now we have a different situation! I proceeded to
do what every normal, red-blooded American housewife would do in this
situation....I jumped straight up causing the bench to topple over
backwards & then I fell over backwards over the bench & was letting out a
blood-curdling scream of terror that winded down to a howl all the while!
Did I mention that I was too scared to let go of the hairdryer? Oh yeah.
All these intelligient actions of mine did not make the sparks stop
shooting out so I started beating the Hair Dryer From Hell on the carpet
very violently (all the while screaming as if I had just chipped all my
nails!). This just caused the Hair Dryer From Hell to spark more &
smoke!!! Then I let go of it & left it on the carpet spinning in circles &
shooting sparks all over my bedroom & smoking up a great fog! Then I
grabbed the cord & tried to pull it from it's socket! Rats! I forgot that
Rick put a surge protector on it so you can't unplug it from pulling the
cord, you have to grab the actual plug-in & pull it out. Did I mention
that I am still screaming during all this time? Yep! Well, while I'm
pulling on this cord & screaming my head off....all the lights in the
house went off! Now all is quiet & dark...did I mention I'm afraid of the
dark??!! So now I have a new reason to scream! I'm sitting in the floor &
I start howling again & wondering to myself "how did that little hairdryer
cause all the lights in the house to go off?". Back in the kitchen, Rick
heard me start screaming & heard the hairdryer going & smelled smoke so
he put all these points together (being the great Engineer that he is!) &
concluded that I was being electrocuted by my hair dryer. So he quickly
made his way to the circuit breaker & flipped the main switch!!! Mystery
solved.  Then he comes running thru the dark into the bedrrom calling out
my name & I'm screaming out his name & we run into each other in the
hallway. He wants to know if I'm all right & I want him to explain to me
why the HAIR DRYER FROM HELL tried to kill me & why it made all the lights
go out???

He just looked at me & shook his head as if to say "You poor thing!"

cindy k. bannister
augusta college
augusta, georgia
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 13:57:00 CST
Reply-To:     stephen davis <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         stephen davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Some of Murphy's Laws

(People, this is about 40 lines long. Have a good day!)

"Some" of Murphy's Laws:

 *  Anything that can go wrong will.
 *  Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
 *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
 *  Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
 *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 *  Quality assurance dosen't.
 *  The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
    know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
 *  Exceptions always outnumber rules.
 *  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
 *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 *  He who hesitates is probably right.
 *  The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
 *  If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
 *  One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
 *  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
 *  The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
    bread.
 *  The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
 *  When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
    weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
 *  The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
 *  The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
 *  You never want the one you can afford.
 *  Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
    price.
 *  If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
 *  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 *  Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
    weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
 *  When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
    while all other coins will roll out of sight.
 *  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 *  Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
 *  Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 15:58:42 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pamela Tyler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uncl: Next Mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma!

Date: 03 Feb 94 14:53:04 UTC
From:  <PTYLER   AT TULSAJC>
To:    <HUMOR    AT UGA>
Subject: Uncl: Next Mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma!

We had our primary elections on Tues. February 1, 1994.
From the democrats, the incumbent:

Mayor Susan Savage

and from the republicans:

Bob Dick

Which one should I vote for?  do i want to continue to have a

mayor named   "Mayor Savage"  or  "Mayor Dick"  ??

You make the call.  Please send responses to

[e-mail]   I will gladly post the results.  and whosoever
gets the most votes from the survey, I will vote for! :))

(By the way, these are the real names of the candidates!)

Pamela G. Tyler, Secretary             [phone]
Tulsa Junior College                   Fax: [phone]
3727 E. Apache, Room 1452              Student Health Services
Tulsa, Oklahoma  74115-3151            ptyler@tulsajc
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 16:02:46 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Hawkeye -- Don't Worry! Be Happy! };^>" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another little technological ditty...

A dittly we have concerning the purchased software for inventory control called
AMAPS:

     Yesterday's technology today at tomorrow's prices!


 +===============================+=========================================+
 "                               "                                         "
 "    /\_'V`_/\    Bob Hawkey    "    "Science without religion is lame,   "
 "   /         \   "HAWKEYE"     "     Religion without Science is blind." "
 "  //// | | \\\\                "                           Einstein      "
 "    ---M-M---                  "                                         "
 "  reply to:  [e-mail] "      Don't worry - be happy!  };^>      "
 +===============================+=========================================+
 " "The surest sign that there   "   Internet: [e-mail]           "
 "  is intelligent life in the   "   Office:   [phone]               "
 "  universe is the fact that    "   Kodak Colorado Division               "
 "  they have not tried to       "   Windsor, Colorado                     "
 "  contact us!"     Calvin      "   U.S.A.                                "
 +===============================+=========================================+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 12:50:42 PST
Reply-To:     Dave Michmerhuizen <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dave Michmerhuizen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nudist joke

So this fellow goes off to school for a few years. After some time, his folks
write and tell him they miss him, and would he please send them a photograph?
WELL, he looks around and the only recent photo he can find is one taken of
him last summer at a nudist camp.  SO, he cuts the photograph in half and sends
the top part home.  Awhile later he gets a note thanking him for the picture and
mentioning that GrandMa also misses him and wishes that she also had a
 photograph.
NOW, he knows that GrandMa is getting on in years.  Can't hardly see at all
 really,
so he decides to just send the bottom half of that photo to her -- she won't be
 able
to tell.  AWHILE later, he gets a note from GrandMa telling him that she does
 indeed
miss her GrandSon, and thanking him for the photograph.
"You seem to be in good health", she writes, "but I don't approve of the way
 you're
wearing your hair.  It makes your nose look much too long!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 10:15:19 -0800
Reply-To:     Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ground Report - clean

From the Associated Press:

About 2500 people shivered in 2 below zero (F) cold outside Punxsutawney, Pa. to
find out whether Phil would see his shadow.  Phil would see his shadow.  He
did, for the 98th time in 108 years, but no matter.  Phil's human Inner Circle
decides on the forecast in advance.

There was no shadow for Jimmy in Sun Prairie, Wis., 20 miles northeast of
Madison.

French Creek Freddie in central West Virginia saw his shadow. Concord College's
groundhog, Concord Charlie didn't see his shadow, but who cares!  Charlie
doesn't exist.

Gen. Beauregard Lee, in suburban Atlanta, was shadowless.

Lander Lil, a prairie dog near the Rockies, in Wyoming saw her shadow.  Yes,
HER shadow.   There it is folks, more than you ever wanted to know about Ground
Hogs Day.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 17:16:21 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean jokes: New Dean; New Dress

(1)
This new dean moved into his office, and there was a note on the door
left by the predecessor.  The note said, "In the center desk drawer,
there are three evevelopes which are to be used, in the order marked, for
your first three crises.

About a month later, the dean had been called on the carpet and felt the
need to get out of the hole.  So, the first envelope was opened.  It
said,  "Tell them you're having a terrible time straightening the mess
caused by your predecessor."

By golly, that worked.  About 3 months later, another crisis came along,
and the second envelope had to be opened.  It said, "Tell them you're new
on the job, and that you need a little time to finish cleaning up."

By golly, that worked.  About 6 months later, another crisis came along,
and the third envelope was opened.  It said, "Prepare three envelopes!"

(2)     A true story.  The children were called by the pastor down to the
front of the sanctuary for "Children's Church."  One little 5-year old
was just beaming, and the pastor commented on her new dress, which was
full of lace and layers and all.  "My, that's a very pretty dress."  The
little girl responded, "Thank you very much, but my mother says it's a
bitch to iron."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 16:43:51 CST
Reply-To:     CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Metal Detector/Underwire bras

This morning on the news it was announced that women who wear underwire
bras in the Corpus Christi Courthouse, must not wear underwire bras
unless they want the metal detector to go off.

Can you imagine a metal detector so sensitive that underwires cause
it to go off?  I suppose all women with underwire bras could be
hand frisked.  I wonder what type of weapon these guards think
could be concealed, double barreled shotguns?:-)

Wendy Meagher
Meagher@TCUCVMS
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 22:41:00 -0600
Reply-To:     LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old ... But good

The story about the Mouse Balls reminded me of a joke
from my youth, (last year).

You ask someone if they know what moth balls smell
like.  When they say yes, you ask them how they
got their tiny legs apart.

Laurie Roach
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 17:48:58 EST
Reply-To:     "David L. Kriegel" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "David L. Kriegel" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Allusion to dirty word 8-0

I regret that I have but one * for my country.
(Get is asterisk...as-te-risk...If you don't have it by now I don't know
how you figured out how to subscribe to this list :))
***************************************************************************
* David L. Kriegel II                                [e-mail]*
* START UP Center                                           [phone]*
* Augusta College                                                         *
***************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 19:09:28 -0500
Reply-To:     Erin Flower <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Erin Flower <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Uncl: Next Mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma!

On Thu, 3 Feb 1994, Pamela Tyler wrote:

> Date: 03 Feb 94 14:53:04 UTC
> From:  <PTYLER   AT TULSAJC>
> To:    <HUMOR    AT UGA>
> Subject: Uncl: Next Mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma!
>
> We had our primary elections on Tues. February 1, 1994.
> >From the democrats, the incumbent:
>
> Mayor Susan Savage
>
> and from the republicans:
>
> Bob Dick

Reminds me of when I lived in New Hampshire, and the man running for
office was named
                        Dick Swett


Flowerhead>
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 19:30:08 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jason M. Miskuly" <[e-mail]>
Organization: Saint Bonaventure University
Subject:      Suggestive

    During a routine checkup, and 86-year-old man told his physician
that he and he new wife had been having difficulty having a child.
The doctor gave the man a vial and asked him to return with a sperm
sample.
    Two hours later, the man returned and said, "I just can't do it
doctor. I tried with my right hand, with my left hand and with both
hands. Couldn't do it. My wive even tried--with and without her
teeth! No matter what we did, we just couldn't get that damn bottle
open!



Jason M. Miskuly
P. O. Box 2278
Boston, MA  02107-2278

[phone] [voice]
[phone] [fax]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 20:16:19 -0500
Reply-To:     gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      slightly offensive

A man went to see his doctor, and upon arriving, the doctor asked for a
urine sample.  The doctor explained that he had a machine that could
diagnose a person by their urine alone. With that, he put the sample in. The
machine went "chug a lug chug a chug chug chug" and spit out a piece of
paper. The doctor read, "You have hemmorroids". "Wow! The machine knew
that from my urine?!" exclaimed the man. modern technology.
So the man decided that he was going to try to confuse the machine. He
called to make another appointment and the doctor asked him to pee in a
cup. SO, he had his wife and daughter pee in the cup, peeed in it
himself,and scooped up some sludge from the driveway. He went into the
doctor's, it was put in the machine and the machine went "chug a lug chug
a lug chug chug chug" and spit out a piece of paper. the doctor read
"well, it seems your wife has been fucking the mailman, your daughter is
pregnant, your car needs a lube job, and you have athletes foot".


         ...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---
         -     gwen eckman    disguising my words to fool you .
         - [e-mail]   [e-mail] .
         -      i think it's dark and it looks like rain      .
         ...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 22:23:28 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was SMITH4_DEAN@BENTLEY
From:         Dean Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      late breaking news stories

I was watching the the news last night and the anchor said that an 80 year man
was arrested for rape.  Can you believe it, an 80 YEAR OLD?  Well, his attorney
plea bargined with the judge and get him down to assult with a DEAD weapon.

Also, there was a bank robbery on the lower east side on New York city
yesterday.  While the robber was fleeing, he was mugged!!  Only in New York
something like this could happen.  Can you report this???

When I was a child, I wanted a watch for my tenth birthday.  So, my parents let
me.

I went to the bank the other day to check my balance, and I fell off the roof.

'Tis better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Unknown
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 21:52:21 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/2/94

---> February 2, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly
==========================================

10. Jeff Giloony
 9. Jeff Gluey
 8. Jif Gellahee
 7. Jeff Goldblum
 6. Gilly Ooly Ooly Gilly Goo
 5. Prisoner #3275
 4. Mr. Magooly
 3. Chef Boyardee
 2. Boutros Boutros Gillooly
 1. Guilty
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 22:17:22 CST
Reply-To:     David Christian <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Christian <[e-mail]>
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computer Network
Subject:      Ethnic-clean

This is one I heard about a week and a half ago at a meeting of adult
Norwegian-Americans, which is pretty humorous in and of itself.  As with most
jokes of this nature, any ethnic group will do!

What do you get when an old Norwegian (or what have ya) man marries an Amish
    woman?

    Someone who'll drive her buggy.

                                   Cheers.
                                    David Christian
                                    dchristi@ndsuvm1
                             North Dakota, not the end of the world, but we
                                             can see it from here.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 01:53:01 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FLASHER court case (sexually explicit)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: FLASHER court case (sexually explicit)


The following extraordinary story appeared in a local South African
newspaper ("The Argus") :


LONDON. - A university lecturer whose erect penis "popped out" during
a private lesson with a girl student has blamed his washing machine.

Scientist Ian Rabarts, 53, told a Cambridge magistrate his washing
machine was not rinsing properly.   Some powder was left inside his
underpants.

"It caused a rash which made me itch," said Mr Rabarts, "so I let my
genitals hang out of my briefs."

The father of two said a whiff of student Michelle Sowden-Frost's
perfume caused his penis to become erect.

"The displacement of my underpants because of the problems with my
crotch and the unwitting leaving open of my fly allowed the erection
to protrude through the slip of my lab coat.   It was an absolutely
horrifying situation for me."

The magistrate accepted that the incident was accidental and Mr Rabarts
was cleared of indecent exposure.

His wife said they had since bought a new washing machine.

(end of report)

================================================================

weird world!

______________________________________________________________________

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)


n
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 06:40:30 CST
Reply-To:     Mike Tabat <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Tabat <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: slightly offensive

A man and his wife are unsuccessful in their attempts to conceive a child
and so they decide to visit a fertility clinic.  Upon arriving at the clinic,
the nurse says to the man, "I'll need to get a sample from you first" and
hands the man a cup.  The man is somewhat reluctant but goes to the bathroom
and proceeds to masturbate into the cup.  After finishing, the man returns and
hands the cup to the nurse.  The nurse looks at the cup and with a look of
shock says "Oh no! ... I only needed a *urine* sample!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 07:54:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Brucker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      JD to LB...

   What did JD ask LB?

   You gonna eat that?  :-)



          pb
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 08:04:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Old ... But good  [M]ature audiences

>You ask someone if they know what moth balls smell
>like.  When they say yes, you ask them how they
>got their tiny legs apart.

i remember this one:  ask a guy, "do you wash your balls when you take a
shower?"
his answer will probably be something to the affirmative, so then you ask,
"how do you get them out of the sac?"

and

re:  pamela tyler's quandry on whether to vote for mayor savage, or mayor
dick, i say make them run on a joint ticket:

savage/dick for mayor!  :)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 08:56:54 -0500
Reply-To:     Alan Rosenberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Alan Rosenberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Beer vs. women (offensive)

                WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. You can enjoy a beer any day of the month.

2. You can have two (or more) different beers the same night
   (or even at the same time) and no one will complain.

3. You can finish with a beer in as much or as little time as you
   like. You can even stop halfway through without having to
   apologize.

4. Compared to a woman, beer actually tastes good.

5. (Best of all) A beer will never come at you will a fillet knife
   after you've done with it and are sleeping it off.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 09:48:56 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean poem, VERY mild sexual content

        Nipsey Russel was a guest oon a NY city radio station, and as
he's famous for, he gave this poem which I found really humorous.


It was a nightmare
It was a dream;
It haunted me all through the night.
Six girls were fighting to have sex with me,
And the ugly one was winning the fight!!

Submitted for your approval....

Mike (this poem is the story of my life!) Shockley
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 09:58:06 -0500
Reply-To:     Jim DeVlaminck <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim DeVlaminck <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May offend women

How about this one.

>A woman is alot like a telephone...
>
>       They both like to be picked up, held close and talked to softly.
>
>       But... Push the wrong button and you're disconnected.
>
>
>
>       However, you can find one on just about every corner, and they only
>
>       cost a quarter.
>
>                        Author - Unknown


*******************************************************************
        _________    |
\      /    /        |  [e-mail]
 \    /    /         |
  \  /    /          |  Jim DeVlaminck
   \/    /           |
*******************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 10:02:46 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was SMITH4_DEAN@BENTLEY
From:         Dean Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      clean humor

I have a ridddle for everyone:

If you are American when you go into the bathroom, and you are American when
you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're inside?

EUROPEAN  (Y-R-A-PEON)

A couple of months ago, I went to synagoue for shabbat services.  During the
rabbi's sermon, he was lecturing on our faith in g-d.  All of a sudden, a
4-year old who was sitting on his mother's lap, stood up and said in a
high-pitched squeaky voice,"Is that the same g-d as in g-d dammit?"

Later that evening, I found out the same little child was with his mother when
she was discussing vacation plans with a friend.  The mother's friend comentted
that she was going to Maimi for two weeks.  The 4 year old then said,"It's not
your ami, it's my nana's ami." (MY-AMI)



A couple of days ago, I sent a message to list humor about questions that have
no answers.  Well, I have another one.

Do you think Dr. Kevorkian's (The doctor 'of death' that lives in Michagain)
malpractice insurance covers him if patients don't die?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 08:57:13 UTC
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pamela Tyler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uncl: Re: Uncl: Next Mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma!
In-Reply-To:  note of Thu,
              3 Feb 1994 19:09:28 -0500 (EST) from Erin Flower
              <[e-mail]>

Hi Erin,

Thanks for your response. :)  I'll put you down in the "other" column.
I'll let you know the results soon.

Pam

Pamela G. Tyler, Secretary             [phone]
Tulsa Junior College                   Fax: [phone]
3727 E. Apache, Room 1452              Student Health Services
Tulsa, Oklahoma  74115-3151            ptyler@tulsajc
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 16:07:02 +0100
Reply-To:     "Nico.Verboven" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Nico.Verboven" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lousy lovers ( clean

Q:  Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?

A:  Cause they always want to do the job faster than before.  And
    when they do, they say the performance has improved.

--

Nico Verboven
1e Lic Informatica
UIA Belgium
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 10:30:57 GMT
Reply-To:     Jim Davis <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Mighty Bills

Just a thought for those of you in higher education (and others).  This persona
l ad appeared in today's issue of Allegheny's Campus Newspaper:

     "For every year the class of 1994 has been on campus,
      the Bills have lost the SuperBowl."

Have a nice day Buffalo!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 16:02:03 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Beer == women (offensive)

=> 2. You can have two (or more) different beers the same night
=>    (or even at the same time) and no one will complain.
=>

If you have more than one beer/(woman) in a night, you usually get a
headache the next morning.

=> 3. You can finish with a beer in as much or as little time as you
=>    like. You can even stop halfway through without having to
=>    apologize.

If you do not finish with your beer/(woman) in front of your mates
then you get a hard time.


        - Adam (just back from the pub)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 11:04:00 EST
Reply-To:     warren k murray <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         warren k murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Beer vs. women (offensive)

|>                WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
|>
|>1. You can enjoy a beer any day of the month.
|>
|>2. You can have two (or more) different beers the same night
|>   (or even at the same time) and no one will complain.
|>
|>3. You can finish with a beer in as much or as little time as you
|>   like. You can even stop halfway through without having to
|>   apologize.
|>
|>4. Compared to a woman, beer actually tastes good.
        YOU MUST BE TASTING THE WRONG ONES
|>5. (Best of all) A beer will never come at you will a fillet knife
|>   after you've done with it and are sleeping it off.

  6. You can fall asleep halfway through and a beer won't hate
     you in the morning.

    murray the k
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 11:28:33 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: Naked bikers climbing to her window

"Send someone here quickly!" a matronly woman screamed into the phone.  "Two
naked bikers are climbing up to my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, ma'am," the voice on the other end of the phone
replied.  "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, no, it's you I want!" the lady yelled.  "They need a longer ladder!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 11:38:38 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Hawkeye -- Don't Worry! Be Happy! };^>" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Why a beer is better than a woman (PG)

This was posted to HUMOR a while ago, but with all of the beer/woman activity,
I thought it might be fun to post it again!



                     Why BEER is better than Women
______________________________________________________________________________

  1.  You can enjoy a beer all month long.

  2.  Beer stains wash out.

  3.  You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

  4.  Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you
      play baseball.

  5.  When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

  6.  Beer is never late.

  7.  Hangovers go away.

  8.   A beer doesn't get jealous whe you grab another beer.

  9.  Beer labels come off without a fight.

  10. When you go to a bar, you know yo can always pick up a beer.

  11. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.

  12. A beer won;t get upset if come home with beer on your breath.

  13. Beer never had a headache.

  14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.

  15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

  16. A beer always goes down easy.

  17. You can share a beer with your friends.

  18. YOu always know you are the first to pop a beer.

  19. A beer is always wet.

  20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

  21. You can have a beer in public.

  22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

  23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

  24.  You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.




 +===============================+=========================================+
 "                               "                                         "
 "    /\_'V`_/\    Bob Hawkey    "    "Science without religion is lame,   "
 "   /         \   "HAWKEYE"     "     Religion without Science is blind." "
 "  //// | | \\\\                "                           Einstein      "
 "    ---M-M---                  "                                         "
 "  reply to:  [e-mail] "      Don't worry - be happy!  };^>      "
 +===============================+=========================================+
 " "The surest sign that there   "   Internet: [e-mail]           "
 "  is intelligent life in the   "   Office:   [phone]               "
 "  universe is the fact that    "   Kodak Colorado Division               "
 "  they have not tried to       "   Windsor, Colorado                     "
 "  contact us!"     Calvin      "   U.S.A.                                "
 +===============================+=========================================+
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 11:36:52 EST
Reply-To:     Edwards Samuel H <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Edwards Samuel H <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Harding and Promotions

I think that the only other product that Ms. Harding could
sponsor for is Energizer batteries.  We've all seen that little
pink bunny get away from everything, and the only one who could
pull off a successful hit on him is Tonya.  :)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
             |               Samuel H. Edwards
            /0\              [e-mail]
  \_______[|(.)|]_______/    ASTA Operations Engineer (Martin Marietta)
    o   ++   0   ++   o      My opinions in no way reflect my employer's
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The RF-4E Phantom - Living proof that if you put enough engine on
something...even a BRICK could fly!       W. Weasel
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 19:55:46 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Steele <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More computing humor (Clean, I promise)

This one is from the olden days of computing, when they still used
punchcards.... (My grandpappy used to tell me about them... ;)

A certain friend of mine who was once a Computer Science major at USM was
monitoring one of the computer labs on campus.  A girl, who had been working
on a program for what seemed like years without success, came to him for
assisstance.  He took one look at the batch of cards in her hand and said,
"One moment, please."  He quickly punched out a card with "!DO MAGIC" on it,
then shuffled it into the deck at random.

The program, of course, ran perfectly.


*=========================================*================================*
!                                         !  Jason E. Steele               !
! The meek shall inherit the Earth        !  Hattiesburg, Mississippi      !
!  The rest of us are going to the stars! !  Delphi: TAMERLIN              !
!                                         !  Internet: [e-mail] !
*===========[ BABY ON BOARD ]=============*================================*
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 17:15:30 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: lousy lovers ( mucky )

Featured in 'Today' newspaper December 1993:

GIRLS  wanting   to  pull  a
christmas  cracker  can't do
better than  a computer pro-
grammer. They are the sexiest
men, a  survey  revealed yes-
terday.
     Firemen are also red hot
.
.
.
     But the  more   boring   the
job, the better a man is a lover,
claim the women questioned.
        Surver  organiser   Janet
Evans, a  recruitment consultant,
said:   "Programmers   work  very
intensively   then  go  wild when
they leave the office." She added
"Keyboard  skills  give  them   a
gentle touch"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 09:33:39 PST
Reply-To:     Tim Crawford <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Crawford <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More about Bobbitt...

     Top 3 reasons Clinton should select John Bobbitt for Defense
     Secretary:



     3) No nanny problems.

     2) Can survive drastic cuts.

     1) Experience with women in combat.


     -Tim

     **********************************************************************
     Tim M. Crawford                              Direct Line: 415/312-0689
     Test Development Specialist                    Main Line: 415/572-7341
     InfoWorld                                            FAX: [phone]
     155 Bovet Rd, Suite 800           Internet: [e-mail]
     San Mateo, CA 94402                                 MCI Mail: 571-9723
     **********************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 12:44:53 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: Traveling words <egghead humor>

    Words sometimes set forth from one country and after sojourns abroad
reappear quite changed.

    French *boeuf*, beef, for example sallied forth to England with the
Normans, was accepted as beefsteak, and recently returned to the French
dictionary as *biftek*.

    You may know what English call a *redingote* is the French word for our
riding coat, having come back around a circular course. Few citizens of Genoa,
however, know that their blue *jeans* are named after the English
pronunciation of the French name, *Genes*, their their own city. Nor are the
burghers of Nimes conscious tht the *denim* their jeans are made from came
centuries ago from Nimes itself (*de Nimes*). Still another fabric, *mohair*,
or goat's wool cloth, emigrated to France as *moire*, and was reintegrated
into English as *moire*, or watered silk.

    A Frenchman speaking of *mariachi* music is referring to *les mariages*,
at which it was played when the French occupied Mexico.

    A *freebooter* is a highwayman or land priate. In Central America he
became known as a *filibustero*. The word returned to America as *filibuster*,
and acquired its new meaning of using extended speeches as a delaying tactic.
These extended speeches nearly always took place in the U.S. Senate were the
rules allow a Senator to hold the floor as long as one can speak. That lead to
one of my favorite figures of speech, *windbag* (specifically it is a figure
of speech called a kenning). The term is no longer restricted to U.S.
Senators, but also applies to politicans in general and anyone else who talks
often or long.

    Travelers to India who stay in a *bungalow* are often unaware that the
English word started out there as *Bangalore*.

    The young man who today accomapnies a Frenchman playing golf, was in his
earlier days a *cadet*, French for youth. This word made his way to Scotland,
was rechristened a *caddie*, and then returned to the golf courses of France
as *le caddie*.

    *Un coctel*, from the English word *cocktail*, is now good French; it may
derive from Louisana Cajun *cocktay*, from French *coquetier*, the egg-cup in
which the drink was original served.

John Train's *Remarkable Words with Astonishing Origins* should be blamed for
most of this text, although the typing is mind alone.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 12:47:39 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Laurie Firth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      TONYA HARDING

Q. WHY DID TONYA HARDING LEAVE HER HUSBAND?

A. SHE FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS HITTING ON OTHER FIGURE SKATERS.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 09:48:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Internet is like a penis (offensive to moral majority)

  Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

 * It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
    to get any real work done.

  * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
    considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still
    think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
    use it for fun most of the time.

  * It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will
    just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

  * It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
    interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's
    hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
    late.

  * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
    viruses.

  * It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too
    much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

  * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
    and influence warrant.

  * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

  * It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
    will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
    I do that?"

  * Some folks have it, some don't.

    Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
    think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think it
    gives them power.  They are wrong.

    Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
    not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many
    of those who don't have it would like to try it.

  * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people
    would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.


I received this from a friend.  Thought I'd share it with the rest of you.
 I'll also include the closing quote, as it's quite appropriate.

 --JLRH

        "Tolerance has never brought civil war; intolerance has covered the
         earth with carnage." -- Voltaire
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 11:56:43 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bret Jacobsen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Complete list of why beer is better...

     Anyone who wants the (near) complete list of why beer is better than
women can e-mail me at [e-mail].  There are 107 reasons in this
huge list!
                                       Bret

P.S. Everybody keep up the great Humor!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 13:00:07 -0500
Reply-To:     Steve Winant <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Steve Winant <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A frog (may be offensive to English Teachers)

What a funny thing a frog are
With his little tail
That he ain't got
Almost nearly hardly.
When he hops
He squats,
When he squats
He hops
On his little tail
That he ain't got
Almost nearly hardly.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 13:21:41 EDT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bob Fox <[e-mail]>
Subject:      BOBBIT, DAHMER

Q: What did jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?

A: Can I eat that??
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 10:21:14 -0800
Reply-To:     "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another real life 2fer

I recently move from eastern Canada to the west coast.  As I'm sure most people
do when they move to a new town, I decided to walk around and get the feel of
the place.  Frankly, the place is a hole that even the devil would prefer to
ignore,but there is one bright ray of hope in this rat pit.  I was quite
surprised to find (next to a liquor store appropriately enough) a
Gourmet chicken/Porno shop. Their motto?

Breasts and Thighs. Any way you like 'em.

mike }%)

What money can't buy, I don't need.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 11:48:37 -0800
Reply-To:     Bill Tomison <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill Tomison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Monty Python
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

So does anybody know of ANY Python stuff on the Internet?
I found some Macintosh sound files in the "Great Beeps" archives
on sumex-aim.stanford.edu - I think that was where it was.

Mandatory humor:
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child.....eventually.

I like to leave my messages BEFORE the beep. The only thing I don't
understand is, why don't they call me back?

My dad said that laughter was the best medicine, which is why most of us
died of tuberculosis. (Jack Handey - Deep Thoughts)

I have the world's biggest organic sand collection. It's SOOO Big!....
(HOW BIG IS IT?)
I have to keep my collection spread around on all the beaches all over
the world.

I have the largest seashell collection, too...
(ON THE BEACHES RIGHT?)
No. I keep them all under water so they don't get weathered with age.
'Course it's so big that I have to use the world's oceans to keep it in.

Okay, so those last two were pretty lame, but I'm kinda tapped for humor
- I'm too giddy.

==========================================
= BILL TOMISON                           =
==========================================
= Internet: [e-mail]   =
= Bitnet: tomis_wi@catlin[.bitnet]       =
==========================================
= To hell with the Prime Directive,      =
= let's kill something!                  =
=  - What we'd love to hear somebody on  =
=    Star Trek: The Next Generation say  =
==========================================

On Tue, 1 Feb 1994, Gerald Lack wrote:

> Is there an FTP site that has scripts, .wav files, or other funny Monty
> Python stuff? If so, what is the address? Thanks.
>
> [e-mail]
>
> True Story:
> I was recently told by a friend of mine, who just so happened to be the
> inventor and distributor of the Ginsu Knife (tm) that he is seriously
> considering a name change for the knife in his infomercials. Of course, it
> would be called the Lorena Bobbitt Slicer and Dicer. It can cut through a
> man's penis with no trouble and then cut a ripe tomato in half!
>
> If anyone believes this is true, I know a bridge in New York that's for
> sale....
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 14:15:11 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Steven B. Brinkmann Mu" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      null

Knock Knock.
Who's there.
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue Who?
Answer: Michael Jackson.


                                  From: Steve
                                  C525380@Mizzou1
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 15:19:53 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Laurie Firth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      STAR TREK DRINKING GAME

PLEASE HELP ME! SOMEWHERE I SAW A STAR TREK DRINKING GAME, AND WONDERED IF ANY-
ONE HERE COULD E-MAIL ME WITH IT, OR POST IT ON HUMOR. THANKS IN ADVANCE!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 16:13:10 -0400
Reply-To:     "Insanity is hereditary....you get it from your children."
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A middle-ages woman goes to her doctor.....

  An older woman went to her gynocologist to complain that she was peeing
nickels.  After a full examination, the doctor told her not to worry and sent
her home.
  A week later she returned and told the doctor that she was more concerned now
as she was peeing dimes.  Another full examination later, he again told her not
to worry, that nothin was wrong.
  By the time she returned the third week, she was peeing quarters.  She was
very concerned, and when the doctor once again told her not to worry, she got
quite upset.  She said "I know that something is wrong and you're not telling
me everything".
  He replied, "I told you not to worry, everything is fine.  You're just
going through your change!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 15:41:25 CST
Reply-To:     Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      'Bama Joke

I don't know which is worse: the millions of UNSUBSCRIBE notes, or
the millions of duplicate postings of the "what did Geoffry Dahmler
say to Lorena Bobbitt" joke.

Bama Football Joke:

Q: How many Alabama alumni does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb and two to sit around and
   talk about how much better the "Bear's" lightbulbs were.

Bama "Machine" Joke:

Q: How many fraternity boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb and a committee of six to
   design the t-shirt to commemorate the event.

______________________________________________________________________

  I HAVE THE MARS OBSERVER AND             PATRICK CRISPEN
  I'M NOT RETURNING IT UNTIL I             [e-mail]
  GET AN "A" IN ASTRONOMY.                 THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
______________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 18:17:18 -0500
Reply-To:     CRAY <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         CRAY <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: OFFENSIVE JOKES TO WOMEN
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

HOW MANY WOMEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

NONE,  THEY JUST SIT IN THE DARK AND BITCH


HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO MOP THE FLOOR?

NONE IT IS A WOMAN'S JOB!!

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE DISHWASHER IS BROKEN?

KICK HER IN THE ASS!!!


CLAY
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 18:26:38 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Gerald Lack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Monty Python
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Fri, 4 Feb 1994, Bill Tomison wrote:

> So does anybody know of ANY Python stuff on the Internet?
> I found some Macintosh sound files in the "Great Beeps" archives
> on sumex-aim.stanford.edu - I think that was where it was.
Thanks to the people on the list who helped me out. The most Python stuff
around is at venus.ycc.yale.edu and suned.zoo.cs.yale.edu. in /lib/python
and /python respectively. Thanks alot for all your help!
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 16:41:58 -0800
Reply-To:     Bill Tomison <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill Tomison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "DRINK PARODY" (fwd)

here's the drink parody

==========================================
= BILL TOMISON                           =
==========================================
= Internet: [e-mail]   =
= Bitnet: tomis_wi@catlin[.bitnet]       =
==========================================
= To hell with the Prime Directive,      =
= let's kill something!                  =
=  - What we'd love to hear somebody on  =
=    Star Trek: The Next Generation say  =
==========================================

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1993 16:03:17 -0700
From: BITNET list server at PCCVM <[e-mail]>
To: [e-mail]
Subject: File: "DRINK PARODY"

Topic    : TREK
Subject  : TNG Drinking Game...
Posted by: Lord Dracut
Date     : 24-DEC-1989


         Ladies and Gentleman, Electro Productions is proud to present:

           THE STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION DRINKING GAME

                     Started December 10, 1988

                     VERSION 3.00 - RELEASED 12/19/89

   1) Sip on holodeck scenes
   2) Sip on saucer separations
   3) Sip when Troi "senses" something, chug when she asks if someone
      is 'troubled' when the look on their face makes it obvious they are
   4) Sip when someone beats on Worf or Geordi
   5) Sip when Yar appears in an episode
   6) Sip when Data says "Intriguing!"
   7) Sip when the doctor calls Picard "Jean-Luc"
   8) Drink a fifth when Wesley saves the ship
   9) Sip when Wesley's life is threatened, drown your sorrows when he survives
  10) Sip when the Big E fires its weapons
  11) Sip when aliens invade the Big E
  12) Sip when Starfleet personnel visit the big E; chug if they're admirals
  13) Sip when yellowshirts die
  14) Chug when the doctor says "He's dead <pause>"
  15) Chug when Picard/Riker gets the girl
  16) Sip on "Engage" from anyone, chug if Picard gestures with his hand
  17) Chug on engine room climaxes
  18) Chug when the old Big E or its crew are mentioned
  19) Chug when a plot complication resolves itself without the crew's
      interference
  20) Sip when bartenders act like counselors/psychiatrists
  21) Chug when the auto-destruct is activated
  22) Chug when the Big E is hurled into a void or another dimension
  23) Sip when Bev defies the Prime Directive in the name of medicine
  24) Sip when Data assumes a persona, e.g. Sherlock.Holmes
  25) Sip when Data's head jerks
  26) Sip when Data spouts all the adjectives of a word
  27) Sip when Picard tells orders someone to "Make it so!"
  28) Sip when Picard mentions surrender, chug if he does
  29) Chug when ST:TOS or STI,II,III,IV,V plots and plot devices are used
  30) Sip when Bev "worries" about Wes
  31) Sip if Ensign Buxom gets a line
  32) Get blasted when Wesley gets a girlfriend (these scenes are sooo
      bad that this is the only way to tolerate them)
  33) Sip when Data is cut off from a long description of something
  34) Sip when Riker expresses concern about Picard beaming down
  35) Chug when someone hits on Troi
  36) Sip when the glass table shatters

  NOTE: When an item involved an extended scene (e.g. a Holodeck scene
  or Data acting like Holmes), sip or chug at the start of the scene
  and again at any returns to that scene later in the episode

[Hehehe, this will certainly make an extravaganza something special...]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 22:24:35 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      -THE- Star Trek Drinking Game...

Last semester I downloaded *the* ultimate ST Drinking List (from somewhere
on the Wiretap Spies' Gopher, I think)  I'd post it, but it's over 460 lines
long.

If anyone wants it, e-mail me, and I'll send it to you.  It is worth it.

Sudden violent comedy,
bryan
Internet: [e-mail]
Bitnet:   ugpack@ecuvm1
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 4 Feb 1994 22:46:33 -0500
Reply-To:     Terrence Raymond Strohecker <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Terrence Raymond Strohecker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: File: "DRINK PARODY" (fwd)
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]> from "Bill Tomison" at
              Feb 4, 94 04:41:58 pm

>
> here's the drink parody
>
> ==========================================
> = BILL TOMISON                           =
> ==========================================
> = Internet: [e-mail]   =
> = Bitnet: tomis_wi@catlin[.bitnet]       =
> ==========================================
> = To hell with the Prime Directive,      =
> = let's kill something!                  =
> =  - What we'd love to hear somebody on  =
> =    Star Trek: The Next Generation say  =
> ==========================================
>
> ---------- Forwarded message ----------
> Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1993 16:03:17 -0700
> From: BITNET list server at PCCVM <[e-mail]>
> To: [e-mail]
> Subject: File: "DRINK PARODY"
>
> Topic    : TREK
> Subject  : TNG Drinking Game...
> Posted by: Lord Dracut
> Date     : 24-DEC-1989
>
>
>          Ladies and Gentleman, Electro Productions is proud to present:
>
>            THE STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION DRINKING GAME
>
>                      Started December 10, 1988
>
>                      VERSION 3.00 - RELEASED 12/19/89
>
>    1) Sip on holodeck scenes
>    2) Sip on saucer separations
>    3) Sip when Troi "senses" something, chug when she asks if someone
>       is 'troubled' when the look on their face makes it obvious they are
>    4) Sip when someone beats on Worf or Geordi
>    5) Sip when Yar appears in an episode
>    6) Sip when Data says "Intriguing!"
>    7) Sip when the doctor calls Picard "Jean-Luc"
>    8) Drink a fifth when Wesley saves the ship
>    9) Sip when Wesley's life is threatened, drown your sorrows when he survive
s
>   10) Sip when the Big E fires its weapons
>   11) Sip when aliens invade the Big E
>   12) Sip when Starfleet personnel visit the big E; chug if they're admirals
>   13) Sip when yellowshirts die
>   14) Chug when the doctor says "He's dead <pause>"
>   15) Chug when Picard/Riker gets the girl
>   16) Sip on "Engage" from anyone, chug if Picard gestures with his hand
>   17) Chug on engine room climaxes
>   18) Chug when the old Big E or its crew are mentioned
>   19) Chug when a plot complication resolves itself without the crew's
>       interference
>   20) Sip when bartenders act like counselors/psychiatrists
>   21) Chug when the auto-destruct is activated
>   22) Chug when the Big E is hurled into a void or another dimension
>   23) Sip when Bev defies the Prime Directive in the name of medicine
>   24) Sip when Data assumes a persona, e.g. Sherlock.Holmes
>   25) Sip when Data's head jerks
>   26) Sip when Data spouts all the adjectives of a word
>   27) Sip when Picard tells orders someone to "Make it so!"
>   28) Sip when Picard mentions surrender, chug if he does
>   29) Chug when ST:TOS or STI,II,III,IV,V plots and plot devices are used
>   30) Sip when Bev "worries" about Wes
>   31) Sip if Ensign Buxom gets a line
>   32) Get blasted when Wesley gets a girlfriend (these scenes are sooo
>       bad that this is the only way to tolerate them)
>   33) Sip when Data is cut off from a long description of something
>   34) Sip when Riker expresses concern about Picard beaming down
>   35) Chug when someone hits on Troi
>   36) Sip when the glass table shatters
>
>   NOTE: When an item involved an extended scene (e.g. a Holodeck scene
>   or Data acting like Holmes), sip or chug at the start of the scene
>   and again at any returns to that scene later in the episode
>
> [Hehehe, this will certainly make an extravaganza something special...]
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 00:17:31 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/4/94

---> February 4, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Disney Productions In Times Square
==========================================

10. When You Wish Upon My Lap
 9. Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride
 8. Space Mounting
 7. Mickey & Minnie, Doing It Live!
 6. Aladdin '94:  "Rub This!"
 5. It's a Large World
 4. Mary's Poppin'!
 3. Hookers of the Caribbean
 2. Beauty and the Bobbitt
 1. Free Willy
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 00:55:57 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/3/94

---> February 3, 1994 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Oliver North Campaign Slogans
=====================================

10. "I'll trade arms for your vote"
 9. "Don't make me get a real job"
 8. "At least you already know that I'm a liar"
 7. "A man of convictions, none of them pending"
 6. "Shred this!"
 5. "I've seen Ronald Reagan naked"
 4. "Every American will have pizza delivered by the Rockettes!"
    (The Rockettes were lined up to a pizza place around the corner from
    the theater, and passed a slice of pizza from person to person, while
    kicking to the tune of "New York, New York" until it finally reached Dave)
 3. "Paper shredder + potatoes = delicious french fries for President Clinton"
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning
    around to the music from the film "2001")
 2. "If I-ran/Contra, I can run the country!"
 1. "I nailed Fawn Hall"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 10:24:52 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: Being groped on the subway <adult theme>

Welcome to the CED group at Toronto. I hope you enjoy HUMOR. Keep a copy
of my signature file (at the bottom of this article) so you can control
your mail (including being able to signoff before your account expires).
Best wishes from 2300+ HUMORists from 40+ countries. Bill

Newsgroups: soc.motss
From: [e-mail] (Kate Gregory)

In article <[e-mail]>
[e-mail] (Dusley.Clarke) writes:
>
>       David you should try using a train in Tokyo during morning or
>evening rush hour.
> Once you're on the train, squashed up against loads of small bodies,
>this is when the fun begins. Because you can't move, people who get
>off on feeling others up get into action. It is mainly women who get
>felt up, but guys being felt up is not uncommon either.

It doesn't have to be that crowded. I've been felt up on the
Toronto subway. Too crowded to move away, or to do that reach-down-and
yank-the-hand-above-your-hard trick either. You know, where you yell
"whose hand is this! It was on my butt!"

Kate

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
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from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 10:46:51 EST
Reply-To:     Mandarino Michael CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mandarino Michael CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ::::::Adult Language:::::::

I found this list floating around on email and decided to pass it on...


Michael Mandarino








An english lesson:

                                    FUCK YOU


     Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
     language today is the word "fuck."  It is the one magical word, just
     by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.  Fuck, as
     most words in the English language, takes its name from the German
     word "fricken," which means "to strike."

     "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.  It can be used as a
     verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was
     fucked by John).  It can be an active verb (John really fucks up) or a
     passive verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is
     fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).  It can
     be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).  As you can see,
     there are not many words with the versatility of "fuck."

     Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to
     describe many situations:

         Fraud             I got fucked at the used car lot.
         Dismay            Oh, fuck it!
         Trouble           I guess I'm fucked now.
         Aggression        Fuck you!
         Passive           Fuck me.
         Confusion         What the fuck?
         Difficulty        I can't understand this fucking business.
         Despair           Fucked again.
         Apathy            Who gives a fuck.
         Incompetence      He's all fucked up!
         Laziness          He's a fuck off.
         Displeasure       What the fuck is going on here?
         Ignorance         Fuck if I know.
         Defiance          The fuck you can!
         Lost              Where the fuck are we?
         Authority         Shut the fuck up.

     It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's really a fucking asshole.
     It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.
     It can be used in business - How did I get this fucking job?
     It can be a prediction - Oh, will I get fucked.
     It can be maternal - as in "Mother Fucker."
     It can be nautical - Fuck the Admiral.
     It can be political - Fuck Reagan.
     It can open the door to wonderful relationships - "Let's fuck."
     It can be used just to enhance the meaning of a word - as in
        "Beautifuckingful" or "Terfuckingific."

     The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses.  How can anyone be
     offended when you say "Fuck"?  Use it in your daily speech, it adds to
     your prestige.

     Today, tell someone "FUCK YOU."




     SOME ADDED QUIPS:

     Remember General Custer's famous last word:
               "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"

     Also, the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima:
               "What the fuck was that?"

     And finally, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic:
              "Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 11:31:50 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      THE Star Trek Drinking Game revisited...

well, gang, i see there's a huge interest in this game.  so far the requests
haven't been overwhelming, but to cut down some traffic, i went back and
figured out where i downloaded the file from in the first place.  if anyone
wishes, they can get this file from Wiretap Spies, by either ftp or gopher...

ftp: anonymous ftp to "wiretap.spies.com" - cd Library/Media/Trek -
      get stdrink.txt

gopher(preferred): connect your gopher via wiretap.spies.com, port 70
      burrow through these menus: "Wiretap Online Library", then "Mass Media",
      "Star Trek", and get the document "Star Trek Drinking Game"

if you can't ftp or gopher (or know how-- you should learn! it's fun!), please
feel free to send me a request.  but if you can, i would recommend doing it,
not only to save me a little time, but also because there's a LOT of humor
archived there, along with other funny, amusing, bizzare, and fascinating stuff

go browse there-- it's a good way to spend a whole afternoon (or more)

ANYway, our listowner, Bill, suggested that I should have given a sample of
this file, so below is an excerpt from the game.  The quotes and actions are
divided into categories by general and specific characters, and the end of the
file (not here) contains general stuff to drink to while watching.  the
numbers in the right column represent # of drinks to take.

and Bill, you didn't say if YOU wanted a copy... do ya? :)

enjoy
love, peace, and hair grease
bryan
===========================================================================
Riker   :  "Hell"                                        :          2
Quotes  :  "What the hell is going on?"                  :  Whole Beverage
        :  "You are personally responsible for the       :
        :      Captain's safety" to Worf                 :          2
        :  "With pleasure, sir"                          :          1
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riker   :  Walks forward as if he's trying to knock an   :
Actions :      imaginary door down with his forehead     :          1
        :  Demonstrates knowledge of a foreign language  :          1
        :  Swears/hurls an insult in a foreign language  :          2
        :  Thrusts his chin out with a smug look         :          1
        :  Stands with his feet more than 2 ft. apart    :1 per ' beyond 2'
        :  Pronounces a word in a way that does not match:
        :      his heritage (e.g. charade=shur-AHD)      :          2
        :  Acts blatantly like Kirk                      :          1
        :  Gets that annoying smirk on his face          :          1
        :  Gets the girl                                 :          1
        :  Gets the girl for no apparent reason          :          2
===========================================================================
Deanna  :  "What do YOU think about that?" or other quote:
Quotes  :      reminiscent of ELIZA                      :          1
        :  "Are you troubled?" (when they obviously are) :          1
        :  "Mother!  Please...!"                         :          1
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deanna  :  Senses something really shocking              :          1
Actions :  Gives us Betazoid insight into something      :
        :      really obvious                            :          2
        :  Senses (and lists) more than one emotion      :          1
        :  Cries                                         :          2
        :  Is hit on                                     :          1
        :  Rolls her eyes                                :          1
        :  Can't shut out all the feelings               :          1
===========================================================================
O'Brien :  Has a line in a first or second season episode:          1
Actions :  Disables a weapon during transport            :          1
===========================================================================
Wesley  :  "It's easy!" (or "simple", etc.)              :          1
Quotes  :  "Wow", "Gee", "Ooh", etc.                     :          1
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wesley  :  Talks back to his mom                         :          1
Actions :  Saves the day                                 :          1
        :  Saves the day and nobody understands his      :
        :      pseudoscientific babbling                 :          2
        :  Saves the day and nobody thanks him           :          2
        :  Appears to be hitting on someone              :          1
        :  Gets that annoying "impish" grin              :          1
        :  Creates some spiffy new science project       :          1
        :  Gets that "I'm not just a kid" attitude       :          1
        :  Swallows really hard                          :          1
        :  Has his life threatened                       :          2
        :  Has his life threatened and he dies           : Party like it's
        :                                                :       1999!
        :  Is seen with a girl (other than when on duty) :          3
===========================================================================

<also included in the file are, of course, Picard, Crusher, Worf, Data, Guinan,
etc., etc.> ;)
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 12:20:55 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Grazio Falzon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ecclesiastics!

Anybody has some good jokes about priests, nuns, or the Pope?
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 12:56:44 EST
Reply-To:     wombat1039 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wombat1039 (Al Vargas)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      need Top Ten list from 1-31-94

Does anyone have the Letterman Top Ten list from 1-31-94 about Marv Levy's
Super Bowl halftime talk?

Thanks,
Al
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 13:23:15 EST
Reply-To:     Derrick Cole Raleigh <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Derrick Cole Raleigh <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 1/31/94 (fwd)

Courtesy Brian Peek and the letterman-top-ten list:

---> January 31, 1994 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime
=============================================================

10. "We won!  Wooo!  We're Super Bowl champs!"
 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy.  You guys sleepy?"
 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing
    themselves out"
 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!"
 6. "Hey, Kelly.  Leave some champagne for everyone else!"
 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?"
 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me"
 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!"
 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland"
 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 14:09:05 CST
Reply-To:     David Christian <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Christian <[e-mail]>
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computer Network
Subject:      Religous Humor, slightly offensive

Here's a few of the religous variety:

A young preist just out of the seminary went downtown one afternoon, when he
was approached by a member of the oldest profession.  "Hey, Father," the tart
called out, "Give ya a blowjob for 20 bucks."  The young father, not knowing
what she was refering to, blushed and said a very polite, "No, thank you."

Upon returning to the church later that evening, the priest ran into the Mother
Superior and asked her, "Mother Superior, what's a blow job?"  To which she
replied, "20 bucks, same as downtown."


A nun, a priest, a lawyer, and 500 childern were on the ill-fated cruise of
the Titanic.  Shortly after hitting the iceberg, the nun called out "Save the
children!"  The lawyer answered "Fuck the children!"  The priest, looking
around asked "Do you think there's time?"


And lastly, an oldie but goodie,
What type of meat do priests eat of Friday?
                  Nun.

                           Death to Barney!
                             David
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 16:05:00 EST
Reply-To:     Chris Hallenbeck <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Hallenbeck <[e-mail]>
Subject:      F--k (I guess u know the theme!)

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the work "FUCK". It is one magical word, which, just by
its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.  In language "FUCK"
falls into many grammatical categories.  It can be used as a verb, both
transitive (John FUCKED Mary) and intransitive passive (Mary really
doesn't
give a FUCK), or as an adverb (Mary is FUCKING interested in John), or as a
noun (Mary is a terrific FUCK).  It can be used as an adj
ective (Mary is
FUCKING beautiful).  As you can see there are very few words with the
versatility of "FUCK".

Besides its sexual connotations this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

        GREETING        "How the FUCK are you?"
        FRAUD           "I got fucked by the car dealer."
        DISMAY          "Oh, FUCK it!"
        TROUBLE         "Well I guess I'm fucked now!"
        AGGRESSION      "FUCK you."
        DISGUST         "FUCK me."
        CONFUSION
   "What the FUCK ---?"
        DIFFICULTY      "I don't understand this FUCKING business."
        DISPAIR         "Fucked again."
        INCOMPETENCE    "He fucked up everything."
        DISPLEASURE     "What the FUCK in going on here?"
        LOST            "Where the FUCK are we?"
        DISBELIEF       "UnFUCKING believable!"
        RETALIATION     "Up your FUCKING ass!"

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a FUCKING asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five
 FUCKING thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this FUCKING job?"
It can be maternal -- " as in 'Motherfucker'."
It can political -- "FUCK Clinton."

And never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them FUCKING
Indians come from?"  Also, the last words of the Mayor of Hiroshima:
"What
the FUCK was that?"  And, last but not least, the immortal words of the
Captain of the Titanic, who said "Where is all this FUCKING water coming
from?"

The mind fairly boggl
es at the many creative uses of the word.  How can
anyone be offended when you say "FUCK?"  Use it frequently in your daily
speech; it will add to your prestige.

                   Today --- Say to someone --- "FUCK YOU!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 15:33:35 -0600
Reply-To:     John Albert Hill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         John Albert Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Similar things

Q.  What do a Farmer and a Queer have in common?

A.  They both get shit on their rubbers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John A. Hill                                               Computer Services

                     Illinois Valley Community College


[e-mail]                                     815-224-2720 ex.457
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 17:27:11 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Clarity Hands <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: Black hat/condom --language warning--

In an article [e-mail] (Arno Schaefer) writes:

If a soldier is absent from the troops without permission, this is called
in English (if I understood correctly) "taking french leave". In French
the same thing is called "filer a l'anglaise"  ;-)

Yes, and the useful English term "French letter" translates as "capote
anglaise".

In an article [e-mail] (Shakib Otaqui) said:

An English couple were in Paris when the wife died. The
husband wanted the funeral there, and needed to buy a black
hat for the funeral. He mistook the word "chapeau" and went
in search instead for a "capote".

Asking where he could get a capote, he was directed to the
chemist's shop, where he asked for a capote noire.

L'homme behind the counter said, "Capote noire, capote noire?
Monsieur, nous avons des capotes jaune, et capotes rouge,
mais...capotes noire...nous n'en avons pas. Pourquois
voudriez-vous une capote noire?"

The poor widower replied "C'est pour ma femme. Elle est
morte."

"Ah" replied the shop man, "les Anglais...quelle finesse!"


---

Q.      Why did Napoleon have Latin Letters on his hat?

A.      Because French letters would have looked silly!


and of course French people can always tell the joke as:

Q.      Why did Wellington have Latin letters on his hat?

A.      Because English letters would have looked silly!

Source:

Of course this posting doesn't represent the company...
--
Duncan Gibson, ESTEC/YCV, Postbus 299, 2200AG Noordwijk, The Netherlands
Preferred email:  [e-mail]    or  ...!sun4nl!esatst!duncan
Desperate email:  [e-mail]      or  [e-mail]

[Note: French letters and English letters are idioms for condoms]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 18:01:44 E
Reply-To:     Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist Humor (uses P* Word)

Why do men have holes in their penises?



So they can get oxygen to their brains.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 18:47:58 -0500
Reply-To:     Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to scottish, sheep

this is my first post...hope i got it right!  :)

Q:  Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

  |
  |
  |
 \ /










A:  Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.




********************************
*  Christine Schoedel          *
*  Box 1206                    *
*  Mount Saint Mary's College  *
*  Emmitsburg, MD 21727-7796   *
********************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 23:29:09 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      R-rated and sacreligious... but FUNNY!

here's some ecclesastical humor, as requested.  more to be posted tomorrow...

DO NOT READ IF OFFENDED BY REAL BAD WORDS OR RELIGIOUS HUMOR!!!

don't anyone tell my mom i find this kind of stuff funny

  :) ------------------------------------------------------------------ (:

                        THE FIRST SERMON

The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak.
Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could
relax.  The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher.   After
a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly."
The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and
really talking up a storm.  After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he
had done.  The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week
but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the
congregation again."

     FIRST:   Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

     SECOND:  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

     THIRD:   There are 12 disciples, not 10.

     FOURTH:  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

     FIFTH:   We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as
             "The late J.C. and the boys."

     SIXTH:   Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
              peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

     SEVENTH: We do refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

     EIGHTH:  The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
              "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

     NINTH:   The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT
              "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"

     TENTH:   And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the
              Cherry!!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.  A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!"  The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish".  So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."  The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."  While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught."  The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish".  So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it".  That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said  "Wow what a nice fish".   And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish."  And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish".  And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish".  And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
        "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
        "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
        "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
         about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
        "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
        "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about
         three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
        "I'm sure."
        "Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
        "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
        Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
        And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy
        fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 5 Feb 1994 21:42:46 -0700
Reply-To:     POITEVIN TIMOTHY <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         POITEVIN TIMOTHY <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: ::::::Adult Language:::::::
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Just for the sake of correctness, Fuck doesn't come from the German work
'fricken', it comes from the police description of consentual sex, which
reads 'fornicating under carnal knowledge'.  So when your mother gets
upset at you using the word fuck, tell her that you learned it from a
policeman.

Have a HUMORous day...

Tim
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 00:09:00 EST
Reply-To:     Chris Hallenbeck <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Hallenbeck <[e-mail]>
Subject:      John Wayne Bobbitt Nursery Rhymes

Subject: Nursery Rhymes

Howdy folks.  Not tired of the Bobbitt story yet?  Well then read ahead,
and sing along!

>> There once was a Bobbitt named John
>> Who thought he was quite the Don Juan
>> His wife disagreed
>> So the next time he wee'd
>> John couldn't locate his wand.
>>>
>> Lorena wished John could be nicer
>> But he wasn't much of a de-icer
>> If she finds a new spouse
>> Let us hope he's no louse
>> Or we might have our first serial slicer.
>>>
>> A surgeon was filled with great tension
>> Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
>> He stitched and he sewed
>> Used all the skills that he knowed
>> But the wee thing won't stand at attention.
>>>
>> John Bobbitt was never a loner
>> In fact, he was known as a roamer
>> His wife seized his prize
>> And cut him to size
>> Now he is his own organ donor.       (I know you're laughing out there)
>>>
>> There once was a crime most venal
>> One might say 'twas inches form renal
>> It wasn't for sport
>> That she made him so short
>> Her intentions were nothing but penal.
>>>
>> The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
>> Though it sounds a little bit silly
>> He said she's the hacker
>> Who lopped off his whacker
>> She said she was trying to Free Willy.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 00:52:38 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joy Snyder <[e-mail]>
Subject:      doctor humor

Does anybody have some really cool doctor jokes?

Joy Snyder
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 06:03:00 EST
Reply-To:     "G.BOCCANFUSO" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "G.BOCCANFUSO" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick (PG)

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith sat,
     Amusing himself
     By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 06:34:10 EDT
Reply-To:     Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Religious humor, G-rated

------- Forwarded Message Follows -------

Date sent:      Sun, 6 Feb 94 06:28:56 -0500
From:           [e-mail]
Subject:        Returned mail: Remote protocol error
To:             [e-mail]

   ----- Transcript of session follows -----
While talking to uga.cc.uga.edu:
>>> RCPT To:<HUMOR@@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
<<< 501 Syntax Error. Start Domain with 'a'..'z', 'A'..'Z', or '0'..'9'
554 <HUMOR@@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>... Remote protocol error

   ----- Unsent message follows -----

With the recent opening of diplomatic doors between the
Vatican and Israel, it was reported that the Pope proposed
that Catholicism and Judaism go yet even further at
unifying. He proposed that the two religions be joined
together and be called:

              Oi-Vey Maria! (sounds better when spoken).



======================================================
Jack Zibert, Ph.D.           Internet: [e-mail]
St. Bonaventure University   Phone:  [phone]
St. Bonaventure, NY 14778    FAX:    [phone]
======================================================
                       Nobody's prefect.
======================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 11:55:43 CST
Reply-To:     David Christian <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Christian <[e-mail]>
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computer Network
Subject:      Slightly offensive

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

           A lickalotopuss.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 13:43:28 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Clarity Hands <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: 1993 Physic predictions revisited

        Jean Dixon and the powerful Mind-Control and soap opera lobby, who
dominates the most popular newspapers in the UK and USA, have probably
suppressed this report in your favorite tabloid.

        PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS FALL SHORT: Bill and Hillary Clinton separate!
Madonna arrested for skiing naked! Fergie poses for Playboy! These are
just of few of the predictions psychics made for 1993 that never quite
materialized. In the upcoming issue of the Skeptical Inquirer -- a
quarterly journal dedicated to debunking the claims of magicians,
psychics, clairvoyants and others -- science writer Gene Emery reviews
the predictions that appeared in the tabloids at the end of 1992.
``Depending on who you listened to, 1993 was supposed to be the year
that Madonna revealed she was Jim Nabors' love child or the year she
remarried Sean Penn, cleaned up her image and became the next Julie
Andrews,'' Emery said. The Skeptical Inquirer has published a year-end
tally of the most ridiculous predictions for the past five years, but
the ``hit rate'' of psychics doesn't appear to be improving, Emery said.
After rereading tabloid stories such as the one confidently predicting
that imprisoned boxer Mike Tyson would find his true love with a fellow
inmate named Big Bubba, Emery said, ``each year, I'm convinced that
people who consult self-proclaimed psychics are probably wasting their
money.'' But the Providence, R.I.-based writer also says he continues to
search for people who can demonstrate independently verifiable
paranormal talents.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 04:52:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jack Kolb <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jack Kolb <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (COPY)      Re: ::::::Adult Language:::::::

Absolute nonsense, Tim (as I have recently pointed out to a correspondent
on GEnie).  "Fuck" entered the English vocabulary problem from the Dutch
version of the German.  The earliest examples in English (from the 16th
century) adhere more to the Dutch: almost none could even reflect the
acronymous origin you suggest.

One of the sources of (correct) information about this is the revised
version of the Oxford English Dictionary; your erroneous information appears,
alas, in such normally reputable sources as Partridge's Dictionary of Slang.

Jack Kolb
[e-mail]
-------------------------TEXT-OF-FORWARDED-MAIL--------------------------------
From:         POITEVIN TIMOTHY <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: ::::::Adult Language:::::::
To:           Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
 <[e-mail]>

Just for the sake of correctness, Fuck doesn't come from the German work
'fricken', it comes from the police description of consentual sex, which
reads 'fornicating under carnal knowledge'.  So when your mother gets
upset at you using the word fuck, tell her that you learned it from a
policeman.

Have a HUMORous day...

Tim
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 15:03:07 EST
Reply-To:     Nicholas Nazarko <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nicholas Nazarko <[e-mail]>
Subject:      All the Trek stuff

     It seems that only two pieces of Trek stuff went through.
Trek stuff #2 might have too long for the listserver to handle it.

     If you want the entire Trek Stuff plus one bonus joke send me a
SHORT message requesting it and I'll forward it to you.  If you
already have all three pieces, then please don't request the full
copy, because I already have troubles controling my mail even with
humor coming in digest form!

P.S.  Please make sure it's a private message to my address and not
      to the humor@uga address.  You won't receive Trek stuff if
      you send a request to humor@uga.  I don't have time right
      now to check through every single posting of humor.

Nicholas Nazarko
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 15:18:46 -0500
Reply-To:     gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: ecclesiastics! (offensive language)
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

The seven dwarfs went to church and sat in the back row. As the priest
was giving his sermon, Dopey raised his hand.  "Yes, Dopey?" the preist
answered. "Father, are there any midget nuns in the parish?" "No, Dopey,
there are no midget nuns. Any other question?" "No, Father" So the priest
continues with his sermon.  Minutes later, Dopey raises his hand again,
"Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"  "No, Dopey, I`m
afraid there aren't." The priest resumes his preaching. Dopey raises his
hand once more, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the world?" The
preist, a little exasperated at this point, exclaimed, "No, Dopey, there
are NO midget nuns in the whole world!!!!!!!" The other six dwarks looked
at Dopey and started chanting "Dopy fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a
penguin!!".

One of my personal favorites, hope you liked it.

         ...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---
         -     gwen eckman    disguising my words to fool you .
         - [e-mail]   [e-mail] .
         -      i think it's dark and it looks like rain      .
         ...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 15:16:05 MST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Love Connection (G)

From David Letterman:

"I had a terrible nightmare last night.  I dreamt
that I was a contestant on Love Connection and my
only choices were:  Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding and
Lorena Bobbitt."

+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: [e-mail]  |
+========================+=====================================+
|    "I never give them hell.  I just tell them the truth      |
|     and they think it's hell."      - Harry S Truman         |
+==============================================================+
|                    15 months 'til G-Day!                     |
+==============================================================+
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 17:35:39 EST
Reply-To:     gil3413489 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Gil Emery <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Blondes!!

Q: Why do blondes smile when lightning flashes??





A: They think that someone is taking a picture of them
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 17:34:51 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      :: more OFFENSIVE NUN JOKES ::

more jokes about nuns! (YAY!)

                         -----------------------

There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bycicle.
they were riding along when they hit a bump.  As they hit the 2 novices
giggled.  The mother superior just gave them a dirty look.  They rode a little
farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again.  The
mother superior gave them another dirty look.  They rode a bit further until
they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and themother
stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that
I'm going to put the seat back on!"

                         -----------------------

   Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
   A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

   Q: What's black and white and red all over
      and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
   A: A nun with a spear through her head.

                         -----------------------

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye.  It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.  He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought.  Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real.  When he drives past a third
sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY.  He climbs the
steps and rings the bell.  The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son.  Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup.  This nun instructs "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."  He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.  He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him.  As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

                         -----------------------

i have more (oh, so many more!), but i think i've told my share...
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 17:36:21 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Priest stops complaining <Catholic humor>

Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a
dry, desert parish.  He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting
that he be posted somewhere more hospitable.  No reply to his letters ever
came, and soon the letters stopped.

Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural
churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing.  He found
a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church.  There were no parishoners,
since the closest neighbors were many miles away.  The archbishop admitted
to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer
of so many letters.  He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.

"At first I was unhappy.  But thanks to two things I have grown to love it
out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archibishop inquired.

"The first is my Rosary.  Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out
here."

"And the second?"

At this the priest looked askance.  "Well, to be honest, I have developed a
taste for martinis in the afternoon.  They help to alleviate the heat
during the worst part of the day."  He looked sheepish at this admission,
but the archbishop just smiled.

"Martinis, eh?  Well, that's not so bad.  In fact, I'd be glad to share one
with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted.  "Let me get one for you right away."

Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 16:50:20 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Assorted clean jokes

----------------------------------------------------------------------
    This Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink
    The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food here"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  A Boy Scout was walking along the waterfront one day, looking at the
ships and trying to idenitfy the knots. However, he soon came across one
which he couldn't identify, holding a shipping crate to the dock. He
went up and peered at it, but couldn't figure it out. Finally he burst out,
"What is this thing??? It looks like a random tangle to me!" And the
ropes spoke: "No, I'm a freight knot!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is there a "pair" of panties and "one" bra?
  And why do they call them apartments if they are all stuck together?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Willie the Wino walked into Joe's Liquor Store one wet and windy November
        evening. "I'd like a fifth of port," he said.
"Any particular brand?" said Joe.
"Got any Almaden?" Willie asked.
"Nope," said Joe. "Will you take Gallo instead?"
"Sure," replied Willie. "Any port in a storm."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine told me about an experience of his after getting into
a serious car accident. He's a very sarcastic fellow, and when he awoke
in the hospital he was a bit miffed at an orderly who was making this
inane conversation while he was trying to read... "Guess that was a
pretty bad accident? Huh? Guess you really got hurt bad? Huh? Guess
your car is really totalled? Huh? Guess you really lost control of the
car? Huh? Guess.... "

My friend finally said, "No, I intentionally went off the road at 75 miles
an hour, through the guiderail, over a culvert trench, ricocheted off two
rocks and smacked into a tree after rolling the car over." Then the orderly
finally left, and my friend took his pills and went to sleep.

My friend couldn't figure out why he woke up restrained in a hospital bed in
the psycho ward.... Guess they don't train orderlies in sarcasm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From:    Larry Holder <##[e-mail]>
Ok, there was this kid who showed his mom the picture he'd drawn in
Sunday School.  There was Joseph, and Mary with the baby Jesus on a
donkey, and some rather odd spot near the group.  "What's that big
dot supposed to be?" inquired the mom.  To which the boy faithfully
repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary, and Jesus, and flea, to Egypt."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 18:11:18 EST
Reply-To:     Network Mailer <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: Spike <GLAMBERT@NMUMUS>
Comments:     Originally-From: Network Mailer <[e-mail]>
From:         Spike <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mail delivery error

Batch SMTP transaction log follows:

220 VM.NMU.EDU Columbia MAILER R2.08 R208004 BSMTP service ready.
050 HELO NMUMUS
250 VM.NMU.EDU Hello NMUMUS
050 MAIL FROM:<GLAMBERT@NMUMUS>
250 <GLAMBERT@NMUMUS>... sender OK.
050 RCPT TO:<[e-mail]>
550 Mailbox not found.
050 DATA
354 Start mail input.  End with <crlf>.<crlf>
050 QUIT
221 VM.NMU.EDU Columbia MAILER BSMTP service done.

Original message follows:

Received: from NMUMUS (MUSIC) by VM.NMU.EDU (Mailer R2.08 R208004) with BSMTP
 id 0663; Fri, 04 Feb 94 15:34:41 EST
Message-Id:  <04FEB94.16821748.0008.MUSIC@NMUMUS>
Date:        Fri, 04 Feb 94 15:34:32 EST
From:        Spike <GLAMBERT@NMUMUS>
To:          <[e-mail]>
Subject: Makings of banana bread

2-loving eyes
2-loving arms
2-well shaped legs
1-fur lined mixing bowl
1-large banana
2-large nuts
2-large milk containers


Look into loving eyes
Spread well shaped legs
Slowly squeeze and massage milk containers
Very gently until fur lined bowl is well greased
Add banana and wouk in and out until mixture
in bowl is creamy
Cover with nuts and sigh until relieved
Bread is done when banana is soft
Be sure to wash utensils
Don't lick the bowl
If bread rises.....Leave town
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 18:12:45 EST
Reply-To:     Tolles Tanya CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tolles Tanya CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: All the Trek stuff

Nicholas,

Please send me the Trek stuff.  Thanks!

CDT Tanya Tolles
CDT SGT 1995 A-1
x52229a1
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 16:11:23 -0500
Reply-To:     Denis McCarthy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Denis McCarthy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Why Beer is Better than A woman During the Olympics.

Warning: The following may be offensive to woman and/or good beers.


   All right, I recently subscribed to the humor list, and the only thing
worse than the UNSUBSCRIBE messages(about ten a day) is the list of why
beer is better than woman that I recieve about five times a day.  My
solution was to make a new list customed made for this years Winter
Olympic games. Here goes:


1. A beer won't make you sit through the ice skating competition.
2. It also won't ask dumb questions like "what's a luge."
3. A beer will sit through the whole USA vs. France hockey game on Sunday
without asking when it will be over.
4. A beer doesn't ask you why you weren't a good enough skier to try out
for the olympic team.
5. Lastly, a beer won't get mad when you laugh at the sixteen year old
who just fell flat on her face during the long competition.


p.s. I realize this doesn't apply to all of you women out there, but for
those of you that it does I am expecting the pickle list within the next
couple of days.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 18:30:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Manspeak (reasonably clean)

    "The Modern Woman's Guide to Understanding Her Child...er Husband"

MANSPEAK                       ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
---------                      ------- ----------
* You want.             <==>    I know what you should want.
* We need.              <==>    I want.
* It's your decision.   <==>    I'm totally clueless, so you decide
                                and I'll just take half the credit.
* Do what you want.     <==>    I'll just sit on the couch and sulk.
* We need to talk.      <==>    I need to complain
* Sure,... go ahead     <==>    I don't want you to, but I'll use this
                                next time we fight to show how
                                supportive I am.
* I'm hungry.           <==>    (a) Make me something to eat
                                (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape
                                    together your last $$, go drive
                                    to the supermarket, pick up enough
                                    for my buddies and me, come back,
                                    cook, and oh, while you're up get me
                                    a beer... I don't care if what you
                                    are doing is important.
* I'm not upset.        <==>    Of course I'm upset, but only a wuss
                                would admit it.
* You're,... so         <==>    Do you do laundry..cook..windows..bake?
  feminine.
* I'm feeling           <==>    There's no game on tonight.
  romantic tonight.
* I'm not emotional!    <==>    I'm losing my hair.
  And I'm not over-
  reacting!
* Be romantic, turn     <==>    Beer gut?  What beer gut...Ohh....uh..
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so    <==>    I can't see the tv from here.
 inconvenient.
* The car isn't running <==>    I want a bigger engine and more knobs to
  right.                        play with.
* The dishwasher is     <==>    I've run out of places to hide the dirty
  full.                         dishes.
* The remote is broken. <==>    Come here wherever you are and change
                                the channel for me.
* My tools are obsolete.<==>    I can't figure out how to work the old
                                ones and the commercial says even a
                                chimp can use the new ones.
* I need new shoes      <==>    The pair that I've had since high school
                                fell apart in the rain last week.
* I know where I am.    <==>    Oh God!  Where the *$^#@! am I?!
* Want to snuggle?      <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me?       <==>    I've done something stupid and you might
                                find out.
* Do you *really*       <==>    I've done something stupid and you're
  love me?                      going to find out sooner or later.
* How much do you love  <==>    I've done something *really* stupid and
  me?                           someone's on their way to tell you now.

 In answer to "What's Wrong?"

* Nothing               <==>    I'm in the middle of a fantasy.  Go
                                away.
* Everything            <==>    Some gorgeous 18 yr. old called me "Sir"
* Nothing, really       <==>    It's just that I'm such an as**ole.
* I don't want to talk  <==>    I'm impotent.
  about it.

---
 ~ SLMR 2.1a ~ Reality happens when you don't make it to the bathroom.

<<<>>>
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 19:19:12 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Katy Sweeny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      comments on beer list (offensive to men)

Ever notice that such lists only exist about women?

I guess women don't feel the need or want to put forth the effort in proving
that men aren't as good as (insert whatever list here)... it's just accepted.

*grin*

*******************************************************************************

Why did the blonde have a bruised bellybutton?

Her boyfriend was blonde, too.


True story:

        I know this guy who refused to tell this girl that he liked her.  So
instead, he would dream and talk about her to no end, driving everyone else
up a wall.  Finally we all told him to either shutup or do something about it.

        So he walks over to her one day, makes a really rude/ stupid joke
about her hair (or something) and walks away smiling.  (of course, he didnt'
see the hurt look on her face).  We all went up to him and asked "What did
you do that for?"

        His response?  "Because I LIKE her, stupid!"

Men.  Can't live with them, can't shoot them  (besides, a knife is scarier,
anywya)

sorry guys!! :)


Katy :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 20:54:33 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Shyam Bhatia <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: ecclesiastics - priests, nuns

The Vatican has finally bowed to the pressure from American clergy for
reform. A new policy approved by the Pope will soon be announced, according
to a reliable source who spoke on condition of annonymity. The American nuns
will henceforth be permitted to go on a date but they must take a vow to
wear "Cross Your Heart Bra" and "No Nonsense Pantyhose."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 03:58:00 -0500
Reply-To:     Christopher Troise <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Christopher Troise <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Beach Love? (handicap & offensive language)

Its a beautiful day at the beach, a man is walking along the shoreline, trying
to get some peace and
quiet when he meets a young women in a wheelchair.  She is crying softly to
herself.

"What's the matter?", he asked.

"I am a quadraplegic.  In my whole life", she said, "I've never been hugged
before."

The guy figures, what the hell, and he leans over and hugs her in the
wheelchair.
"Now,  consider yourself hugged."

The next day the guy is again walking along the beach when he meets the same
women in the
wheelchair, still crying to herself.

"What's the matter?", he asked.

"In my whole life", she said, "I've never been kissed."

Not one to mix freely with strangers, the guy reluctantly leans over and
kisses her.
"Now, you're kissed."

The next day the guy is walking along the boardwalk and he again meets the
same women,
crying to herself in her wheelchair.

"What's the matter this time?" he wants to know.

"In my whole life", she said, "I've never been fucked."

Putting exasperation aside, he leans over, and lifts her out of the chair.  He
takes her to the end
of the boardwalk, the sun is setting.  He drops her <plop> off the pier, into
the water.


"Now", he said,"you're fucked."